The Gift of Delight
Surprise
When the timer goes off I am afraid to move. My daughters run into the bathroom, followed by my twenty-month-old granddaughter Felicia. After hearing some whispering, Felicia toddles out and looks at me and says, “Gramma . . . baby!”
Light the Way
When my husband and I met, we were both a little on the non-conformist side, sporting long hair and tattoos. Though age has smoothed many of our rough spots, I couldn’t picture myself as the elderly, devout woman toting her grown, disabled child with her everywhere for the rest of her life.
Blue Ribbon. First Place
Right after Maren was born, I had seen some little girls in their dance costumes and my heart had sunk. My daughter will never have a dance recital, I’d thought. How little I knew! So, there in her beautiful molasses-colored tutu for her role in “Candyland,” Maren stood before 800 people, ready for her first performance.
The Buddha Bean
My daughter, I was told, is a reincarnated Buddha. The Bodhisattva, to be exact, come back to teach us all lessons of compassion. My mother-in-law was sure of it. For three months I had been grappling with how to think about this baby. I had spent hours struggling to reconcile my experience of her with all of the deficits that I couldn’t see but was told to expect. I had thought of almost every angle on the problem, but I had not considered that she might be a major religious figure. Hey kid, I whispered, no pressure.
A Hopeful Future
Abortion. There it was, right in front of me. The thing I had said would never be a part of my life. Here it was, in my living room. And for a few minutes, it did not look like the monster I thought it would be. It looked like a solution, an answer. A way to make this pain go away. My brain scrambled like a rat in a maze looking for the way out, and abortion was right there, looking supportive.
Enjoying the Ride
At the end of the “runway” at the bottom of the hill—and no sled ever makes it that far—is a two-foot drop to a pond. Most of the surface is frozen, but there is a four-foot-round circle of open water at the edge. And Angela is heading straight for it.
Lost and Found
My husband Mike was asleep on the couch beside of me; I was awake, worried by what I was seeing in that sweet little face. My mother, my mother-in-law, and my sister had already left the hospital. I couldn’t help but wonder, Did they see it too?
In the Moment
When he was born, he was so beautiful. He had his daddy’s hands and eyes. I can’t express how shocked we were to learn he might have Down syndrome. This little bucket of love couldn’t possibly have anything wrong with him. It seemed much more likely that he had a super hero chromosome—Super Love Bucket, able to cure the world with a single smile.
Expecting
The doctor spoke the words into my husband’s ears—those words that, once told to me, made me feel as though my child would never be good enough, would be thought of as an embarrassment, would never be worthy. How utterly disappointing, miserable, and embarrassing it is that I almost agreed with those thoughts. I quickly redeemed myself the moment I held him, looked into his deep blue eyes, and silently promised that I would always take care of him. I knew he was mine forever.
Green Onion
When I first looked at this woman’s little blond boy, about two and a half years old, I saw my son’s future. I saw my future. And I was frightened! Not because this boy was disabled or different, but because he was so normal. He was trying to pull things off the shelves, trying to throw things out of the cart, and he was eating French fries. This was what I had to look forward to? How was I ever going to keep up with a two-year-old?
Big Sister
People are usually surprised at how much Sarah can do. I am a little surprised myself, sometimes. I’d had no close interaction with anyone with Down syndrome before Sarah was born. I think my expectations swung between thinking she was going to be the most brilliant person with Down syndrome that ever was, to thinking maybe she won’t be able to do anything for herself.
Speech Therapy
All the effort is paying off, I think as I watch Julie spoon in the peaches. Dylan is doing a great job managing the task, which has been difficult for him in the past, because of tongue protrusion. He’s so pleased with himself that he gets a telltale gleam in his eye. Uh-oh—I know what’s coming.
Loving Emma Jayne
The thought that I produced a daughter who would be anything less than brilliant was horrifying to me. I spent the first few days of her life unwilling to bond with her. I did not want to name her because I didn’t want her to be mine. But I didn’t want her to be anyone else’s, either. The thought of going home without her to an empty nursery was unbearable.
